I always thought working from home would be a fun, relaxed, totally stress-free type of thing. I imagined myself waking up later than usual, taking my time in the bath, having a full breakfast, having more time to blog, reading more, having time to do my hobbies (crocheting, sewing, and journaling), and just generally living my best life. I was wrong.
Working from home is hell.
If anything, I’m under more pressure to be productive. But all that pressure makes me anxious which means I can’t focus on anything which leads to being unproductive which in turn leads to being stressed about not being productive. It’s an endless cycle of mild anxiety attacks and lemon tea.
My days are lost to a jumble of TikTok videos, Kdrama scenes, half-formed sentences and Coronavirus statistics. For my own sanity (the little I have left) I try to stay away from anything to do with Coronavirus but it’s everywhere and I can’t escape it easily. My mental health is not handling it well. Usually, I can convince myself that this time next year, none of whatever I’m stressing about will matter but not this time. This time my trusted and true method of dealing with anxiety-inducing situations has failed.
The future is uncertain and that freaks me out. This might sound a little insane (my family has told me it is, I have told myself it is) but I lie awake at night convinced we’re heading to an apocalypse that I’m completely unprepared for. I’m scared.
I’m very scared. I have a preexisting disease that affects my immune system so if I catch this thing I probably won’t survive it and that keeps me awake at night, keeps my anxiety on high throughout the day.
When I think of sitting down to write a book review or a book recommendation post I think to myself, “the world is on fire and you’re talking about books on the internet.” When I try to read I think, “what will happen when the publishing industry ceases to exist because of the apocalypse?” When I sit down to crochet, journal or sew something, I think, “will it matter next month, next year?”
Everything is awful and I don’t know what to do so I’ll just keep watching Kdramas, drinking vodka and scrolling through TikTok.
Stay safe, stay home and wash your hands.